This is your brain on dating...

http://xkcd.com/807/

All too often I hear women say they are not attracted to men, because they don't feel a spark. Of course a spark is nice, but it may not be the best predictor of a potential future husband. Let's take a look back at the first time I felt a spark...

Love at 14:

Maybe it was because my head was still spinning from the Zipper at the carnival, or maybe it was the chaos of the flashing lights-

Either way I felt my heart slam into my chest when I saw him. It was as if the crowds of screaming school kids parted; he turned toward me in slow motion. I was breathless: MAJOR SPARKS. The world stopped.

His name was Jacob. He was my first kiss. My first love. His favorite car was the Z-28 Camaro: hunter green. MINE TOO!  He liked music. ME TOO!  He had friends that drove cars. I WANTED FRIENDS THAT DROVE CARS!  Being with him was like flying through the air on the Zipper. We said "I love you" after our first kiss.  He gave me a gold ring for our one month anniversary.

We were soulmates...

Three months later I gave the ring back. I was bored.

Love at 15

Maybe it was the changing of the seasons from Spring to Summer. The world was blossoming around me. He walked out of the mall. The crowds parted, my heart slammed. MAJOR SPARKS: I was in love. His name was Will. He liked movies. I liked movies too! He had a sister. I didn't, but always wanted one!

We were soulmates...

Wash, rinse, repeat: 

A nerdy reason why we date idiots

http://xkcd.com/1163/

I repeated this cycle into my twenties (feel free to reference "Me And Mr. Wrong" in case you forgot). Obviously, similarities changed, but the basic gist was the same. 

When I was getting my Master's degree at the age of 28, I learned developmental theorists actually consider adolescence from puberty (approximately between the age of 10–13) until 25. 

25?!? I did the math...This meant (gasp!), I was only three years post adolescence?!?

Understanding brain development might be a clue, (or at least one of my excuses) to why we date idiots. The brain is an amazing anatomical structure. (Yes, I’m going to get nerdy.) Studies by the National Institute of Mental Health demonstrate the brain does not fully form until approximately the age of 25, when the pre-frontal cortex fully develops. The pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for higher intellectual thinking, is often referred to as the “CEO” of the brain. In contrast, our first feelings of sexual arousal begin at puberty. 

When I was a teenager, I could walk into a room, lock eyes with a boy, laugh for a few minutes and plan the rest of our lives together. Three months later, I was confused and heartbroken, singing along to Lisa Loeb and crying over heartache. Why didn't he say "stay?"

It didn't matter what he was going to be when he grew up, or if he wanted kids, or even if he planned to go to college. All that really mattered to me then was if he had a driver's license, or access to another teenager that did.

Scientists contribute those sudden feelings to a surge of hormones that create an emotional response in the brain. This surge becomes what we associate love with: a mysterious spark ignited from across the room (Dahl, 2003). 

This means as teenagers our brains react much more spontaneously to the effects of hormones, because our “CEO” isn’t there to filter information. Think of the crazy, idiotic things you did when you were younger that given the chance, you would never repeat now. I lost count somewhere around 100.

I’m not saying this same feeling isn’t possible after 25 or 28. I’m just saying, understanding brain development can help you understand why it’s easy to spark with Mr. Wrong. 

So, why do we repeat dating patterns?

This, I believe is a function of conditioning. I refer to these hormonal and chemical reactions that surged our brain when we were younger as triggers for our sparks. We associate that spark with those feelings of passion, emotional tidal waves, etc., we felt that confusing day our sex drive kicked in when we were 13.

How many guys have you passed up in the past who possess every quality you've been looking for because you didn't feel that initial spark? I almost passed up my husband, Mr. Right, for the same reason, but we will get more into that in a later post...

I am not advocating settling; I am simply asking you to think about who you have sparked with lately. Was it someone worthwhile? Or possibly someone who reignited those adolescent sparks when compatibility wasn't even in your dictionary? 

Think about what you are looking for in your life mate. Can it really just be based on a spark?

Want to talk more about your triggers, and what kind of guys set them off? Ready to release bad patterns?

Contact me at: www.DateAfter28.com

Pictures: www.xkcd.com (thanks Babs)

                                                References

Dahl RE. Beyond Raging Hormones: The Tinderbox in the Teenage Brain. Cerebrum: The Dana Forum on Brain Science. 5 (3):7-22. 2003:  http://www.dana.org/news/cerebrum/detail.aspx?id=2942

US Dept of Human & Health Services, OAPP Adolescent Brain Development: 
http://www.hhs.gov/opa/familylife/tech_assistance/etraining/adolescent_brain/index.html

Me and Mr. Wrong...VERY wrong....

Yes, I have dated all of these guys! Some more than once but unlike this poster, I don't necessarily believe there is a "fix" and think it's better to avoid these types all together...

When I told my best friend Paul about my latest vetrepreneurial venture he reminded me:

"I would also put a little more up about your personal life. How you had a hard time meeting good guys, but then decided to take control, etc."

I'm sure he was holding back with that comment. In the past 16 years we have been friends, we've had no secrets between us. Paul learned patience suppressing the irresistible urge to shake me when I went on and on about being in love with one of the many idiots I've dated.

So here goes nothing: I was 25 when I started dating Mr. Wrong (don't worry he will be referred to in future blogs). Count the red flags, I dare you...

Year 1: 

(Yes, we were still dating after a year BUT for the record, he was GORGEOUS!!!)

Dinner with my best friend Paul:

“So how are things with you and the snow maker?” Paul asks with slight amusement.

“Good, things got better since the whole license thing” I admit sheepishly.

He raises an eyebrow, “What license thing?”

“Oh, yeah know, did I not tell you about that?” I hesitate. He stares at me accusingly and shakes his head. 

“Oh, so turns out he didn’t have a license when we met because, well, he got a second DUI a couple of years ago he never told me about." I admit to my food more than Paul. I continue without looking up, "but things are so much better now because he turned himself in and the judge sentenced him to ten days in jail, but not consecutive so he can just check himself in on weekends. Aren't snow towns so understanding...” 

I turn to look at the waitress and ignore Paul’s look of horror.  I attempt to recover the situation.“But isn’t he brave? I mean, to have a warrant out for his arrest and everything and just march himself right down to the station and turn himself in like that!” 

Paul doesn't buy it. His face is now a combination of disgust and amusement. The food turns over in my stomach. “And how long has your boyfriend had a warrant out for his arrest while driving your car around?” he asks.

I stare down at my plate. “Umm…three or five years. I can’t remember. You know, he just didn't want to tell me about it with the deployments and all.” My voice trails. “So I got to visit him in jail last weekend!” I add with way too much false enthusiasm. “It was totally like one of those movies, you know, talking to him through the glass and all.” 

Paul spit up a meatball, recovered with a hard swallow of water then slammed the glass on the table. His mouth opened to speak and then closed.  The look of horror on Paul’s face was unwavering.  He took a deep breath and stared down at me. I swear the whole restaurant went silent. 

“Damn girl, you hit rock bottom of scum land.” I winced, Paul was never into sugar coating. “You realize you’re a f—ing Air Force Academy graduate, turned pilot, turned girlfriend of loser in jail?”

I look at him exasperated. 

“Come on Paul, he was only in jail for the weekend!”

My relationship with Mr. Wrong ended about two months after that conversation. I would like to think it had to do with Paul's horrific reaction to what I hoped to be my future husband...

It wasn't. 

We all make mistakes. The key to mistakes is learning from them. If you don't learn from mistakes then you can easily fall prey to repeating the past. I sought help after this relationship to discover why I would date someone like Mr. Wrong. Changing my patterns helped me find my way to my husband who is definitely Mr. Right.

Interested in changing/discovering your patterns?

Go to www.dateafter28.com for a free consult

I promise, I will get into why we date idiots in the next blog....

pic from: http://www.pardot.com/infographic/avoid-bad-dates-bad-leads-infographic

Why do we date idiots?

If you are reading this, then maybe you've dated an idiot or two or three or more in your life. Why is that? 

A girlfriend of mine just got dumped by her latest boyfriend. He is 33 and twice divorced with two kids. He cheated on his first wife with his second wife and his second wife with her. His latest occupation is a barista so he can "experience all levels of society."

My girlfriend is a smart, beautiful, 28 year old woman enrolled in school right now to get her Master's in Education. When they first met, I asked her if she felt like any of these qualities were red flags, she replied "yeah, but he's so fun and I am totally attracted to him! It was like there was this spark when I first saw him... Don't we all make mistakes?"

This same gorgeous friend can walk into a room with 25 emotionally healthy, good looking, successful guys who want to get married and pick the one jerk who was going to play her...

Ok, so I'm not pointing fingers at barista's, divorced men etc. But I am wondering why she went after a jerk when I know she's looking for her husband? 

Sometimes we need to look at our partner's past "mistakes" to understand they are symptoms of underlying issues. The fact that he's cheated on both of his wives and has never spent time single could mean he is co-dependent, passive aggressive, afraid of confrontation etc.

Is this something you want from a partner? The question is, why not just go after the nice guy?

As an occupational therapist, I like to take look at things holistically:

What is happening with our brains?

What is happening with our hormones?

Who are we as a person?

Are we learning the lessons we need to from our past relationships?

More to come on these topics...

PS. I'm sorry if I got your hopes up, but I really do wish I could tell you where you could find a room full of 25 great guys, maybe I was being a bit sarcastic...

Why "date after 28?"

All too often I’ve run into successful, educated women who have everything they’ve ever wanted…

Except Love.

No matter how successful they are, their relationships just don’t seem to work.

I know this from personal experience. I graduated from the Air Force Academy, served as a combat pilot for six years and went onto get my license as an occupational therapist in Oregon.

I married my husband on Sept 1 and couldn’t be happier. But the truth is, it took me a LOT of work to open my heart up to him.

I’m now a dating coach and ready to share my secrets and research with all you great women out there looking for love!

“Date after 28″ wasn’t only a catchy name, but it’s also an age in our lives that signifies a turning point both physiologically, developmentally and holistically.

Read the latest blog to see why….