All too often I hear women say they are not attracted to men, because they don't feel a spark. Of course a spark is nice, but it may not be the best predictor of a potential future husband. Let's take a look back at the first time I felt a spark...
Love at 14:
Maybe it was because my head was still spinning from the Zipper at the carnival, or maybe it was the chaos of the flashing lights-
Either way I felt my heart slam into my chest when I saw him. It was as if the crowds of screaming school kids parted; he turned toward me in slow motion. I was breathless: MAJOR SPARKS. The world stopped.
His name was Jacob. He was my first kiss. My first love. His favorite car was the Z-28 Camaro: hunter green. MINE TOO! He liked music. ME TOO! He had friends that drove cars. I WANTED FRIENDS THAT DROVE CARS! Being with him was like flying through the air on the Zipper. We said "I love you" after our first kiss. He gave me a gold ring for our one month anniversary.
We were soulmates...
Three months later I gave the ring back. I was bored.
Love at 15
Maybe it was the changing of the seasons from Spring to Summer. The world was blossoming around me. He walked out of the mall. The crowds parted, my heart slammed. MAJOR SPARKS: I was in love. His name was Will. He liked movies. I liked movies too! He had a sister. I didn't, but always wanted one!
We were soulmates...
Wash, rinse, repeat:
A nerdy reason why we date idiots
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| http://xkcd.com/1163/ |
When I was getting my Master's degree at the age of 28, I learned developmental theorists actually consider adolescence from puberty (approximately between the age of 10–13) until 25.
25?!? I did the math...This meant (gasp!), I was only three years post adolescence?!?
Understanding brain development might be a clue, (or at least one of my excuses) to why we date idiots. The brain is an amazing anatomical structure. (Yes, I’m going to get nerdy.) Studies by the National Institute of Mental Health demonstrate the brain does not fully form until approximately the age of 25, when the pre-frontal cortex fully develops. The pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for higher intellectual thinking, is often referred to as the “CEO” of the brain. In contrast, our first feelings of sexual arousal begin at puberty.
When I was a teenager, I could walk into a room, lock eyes with a boy, laugh for a few minutes and plan the rest of our lives together. Three months later, I was confused and heartbroken, singing along to Lisa Loeb and crying over heartache. Why didn't he say "stay?"
It didn't matter what he was going to be when he grew up, or if he wanted kids, or even if he planned to go to college. All that really mattered to me then was if he had a driver's license, or access to another teenager that did.
Scientists contribute those sudden feelings to a surge of hormones that create an emotional response in the brain. This surge becomes what we associate love with: a mysterious spark ignited from across the room (Dahl, 2003).
This means as teenagers our brains react much more spontaneously to the effects of hormones, because our “CEO” isn’t there to filter information. Think of the crazy, idiotic things you did when you were younger that given the chance, you would never repeat now. I lost count somewhere around 100.
I’m not saying this same feeling isn’t possible after 25 or 28. I’m just saying, understanding brain development can help you understand why it’s easy to spark with Mr. Wrong.
So, why do we repeat dating patterns?
This, I believe is a function of conditioning. I refer to these hormonal and chemical reactions that surged our brain when we were younger as triggers for our sparks. We associate that spark with those feelings of passion, emotional tidal waves, etc., we felt that confusing day our sex drive kicked in when we were 13.
How many guys have you passed up in the past who possess every quality you've been looking for because you didn't feel that initial spark? I almost passed up my husband, Mr. Right, for the same reason, but we will get more into that in a later post...
I am not advocating settling; I am simply asking you to think about who you have sparked with lately. Was it someone worthwhile? Or possibly someone who reignited those adolescent sparks when compatibility wasn't even in your dictionary?
Think about what you are looking for in your life mate. Can it really just be based on a spark?
Want to talk more about your triggers, and what kind of guys set them off? Ready to release bad patterns?
Contact me at: www.DateAfter28.com
Pictures: www.xkcd.com (thanks Babs)
References
Dahl RE. Beyond Raging Hormones: The Tinderbox in the Teenage Brain. Cerebrum: The Dana Forum on Brain Science. 5 (3):7-22. 2003: http://www.dana.org/news/cerebrum/detail.aspx?id=2942
US Dept of Human & Health Services, OAPP Adolescent Brain Development:
http://www.hhs.gov/opa/familylife/tech_assistance/etraining/adolescent_brain/index.html
